Death, where is thy shtick?

Expanding on the principle that one should not speak ill of the dead, the Archbishop of Newark, New Jersey, has decided some people should not speak of the dead at all. John J. Myers has heard so many horror stories of eulogies gone wrong -- or gone on and on -- that he has laid down the law. From now on, friends and relatives of the deceased may not deliver eulogies during funeral masses.

Some parishioners object to the new rule and say they'll have to be physically prevented from speaking. Perhaps the churches should do what Hollywood does with the Oscars and strike up the choir if anyone talks for more than 90 seconds. Possible song candidates: No Doubt's Don't Speak, Maria Muldaur's We Just Couldn't Say Goodbye andthe Beatles' Hello, Goodbye.