THE LOVE GURU
Directed by Marco Schnabel
Written by Mike Myers
and Graham Gordy
Starring Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake
Classification: 14A
*
The guru in The Love Guru is Mike Myers, that celebrated hockey fan who, if memory serves, used to be a funny man. So I think this is a comedy. You may think so too, but that will depend on whether, working together in the spirit of good humour, we can find something here, anything, to chuckle about. Since the movie is awfully short (a mere 80-something minutes) and since the plot is as thin as an excuse (guru-solves-star-player's-love-woes-so-team-can-win-again), there isn't much time to spare or, more to the journalistic point, print to waste. Join me, then, in a lively game of Spot the Laugh.
Is it in the names? Like the goalie who is called Jacques (Le Coq) Grande, and, lest any slow learners in the crowd miss the point, is repeatedly said to possess "the biggest wiener in hockey." Or, maybe, the names of Mike's fellow gurus, like (I'm sensing a trend here) Guru Satchabigknoba, or Guru Tugginmypudha. No mention, I'm afraid, of Guru Growthefukupa.
Is it in the acronyms, 'cause Guru MyohMyers is real fond of dispensing his spiritual wisdom in mantras whose capitalized first letters make them easy for acolytes to memorize. Mantras like: Be Loving and Open-hearted With My Emotions. See, just add up the italicized caps. Laughing yet?
Is it the sight of a purposely cross-eyed Ben Kingsley rechannelling Gandhi? Or maybe the booger that gets plucked so daintily from Sir Ben's benighted nose?
Or the further sight of two skating elephants humping in the face-off circle at Toronto's Air Canada Centre? Or the words that precede this delightful spectacle, the ones that arise apropos of nothing and go something like this: "If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?"
Is it that Guru Mike can't pronounce CAN'T, and keeps insisting on substituting the A for another vowel that comes considerably later in the alphabet?
How about the restaurant scene where the diner is quick to order: "I'd like an alligator soup and make it snappy"?
Or, in the same restaurant, when the entrée arrives - lychee-nuts-in-a-sling - and is not-so-delicately handled by the smirking waiter?
Perhaps if the visuals don't tempt you, the audio will. Like when Guru M., for at least a full minute of the precious 80-something, makes windy and guttural noises into a coffee mug and then, for the same slow learners, adds: "I am making diarrhea sounds in my cup"?
Or is it the anthemic strains of the Hockey Night in Canada theme song played over our public broadcaster's telecast of the seventh and deciding game? Nah, in these mismanaged days, that ain't funny - just sad.
Then maybe it's that moment when, again, apropos of absolutely nothing, someone asks: "What's the capital of Thailand?" Feel free to provide the answer and envision the ensuing hilarity.
Is it Justin Timberlake's fumblings with a Québécois accent? Or Jessica Alba's disappearing act? Or all those cameo appearances from famous folks who might be excused for assuming they were cameo-appearing in a comedy?
Sorry, time's up. The final buzzer has gone on our spirited game of Spot the Laugh. I do hope your eyes and ears proved keener than mine. But wait! My apologies, I left out a bona-fide howler, a guaranteed side-splitter. Yep, I damn near busted a gut when, from high in the play-by-play booth at the ACC, came this absurd and hilarious assertion: "The Toronto Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup." No doubt about it, The Love Guru is definitely a comedy.
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